and if I was wearin' THEM shoes...

2012-02-08T01:06:00.000-08:00

Damn! That's some ugly shit right there. It's so Corrective Footwear looking. Do they even consult with women outside of the immediate design team, or are they only checking with the staff, who are all contractually obligated to agree that That's a Great Lookin' Shoe, There. Also, I'm offended because this came up in a search for "chelsea boots." Maybe if "abomination" was a search criteria, but the only thing that makes this "chelsea" is the elastic gores, and honey, that ain't enough. Like I said: That's some ugly shit right there.

2012-01-18T00:09:00.000-08:00

So, periodically, I go to the Irregular Choice website and try to find things that DON'T appall me, and I found these:

I really like these; they are very 60's. The rest of the website is terrible.

I mean, THESE?

PLAY ON, PLAYA.

Or something...

2012-01-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

What is this? A clogwallaby?:

Who is the demographic for this shoe? City campers? Fancy hippies? Yargh.

Big Lady Little Girl

2012-01-04T02:19:00.000-08:00

There's a women's shoe design option that I loathe: The Mary Jane. I WANT to get behind it, because some of the best shoes ever designed throughout the 20's to the 70's, well, it's the Mary Janes. HOWEVER, this is what Mary Jane has for us these days: clunky, chunky, SUPREMELY unflattering, and astonishingly juvenile. I find myself in mock concern (or perhaps I have that confused with genuine disdain) for adult women who wear big clompy MJ's because there's an overall sense I have that women who wear them are hanging onto childhood/youth a leeeeetle more tightly than is necessary. If the MJ's are accompanied by kooky rainbow striped socks and a denim skirt and an unmatching striped scarf that ties it all together (which is what most women here would consider appropriate attire for art openings, going out for dinner or going to the opera, because YOUR RODE YOUR BIKE THERE or some shit all Portlandy-like like that).
To illustrate, here are some good 60's ones:

But instead, we get this thrown at us:

Ugly, regressive and P!NK (another rant, saved for a different day). Who wants to dress like a little kid? I sure as hell don't, but that could be because I'm 6 feet tall and I look like an idiot in most shoes, simply based on the size. And, also, I am well into my 40's and I sure as hell don't want to look like a giant lady baby Rory-kon creepus maximus (yes, this IS where my brain goes. I love it and find it amusing. I can go from vague mock outrage to moderate disgust to full excoriation in two paragraphs.), and I don't buy it when other women DO go that way because, basically, I think there is something mentally wrong with you when you, lady, wear too much leopard, rainbow, pink, herro kitty, lacey little girly shit. I mean, check out the effery going on here:

An adult woman should NOT be wearing these shoes.

Promises....

2012-01-04T01:47:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to update this blog, and then I don't because I forgot, or maybe I just don't shoe shop all that much these days. Anywho, I am going to try to more than once a year.

Fetch me my paper, boy

2010-03-02T03:11:00.000-08:00

What I don't get about fashion right now is that there's this effort to do retro, but the reference points are terrible. May I present Mundane 80's:

2010-03-02T03:07:00.000-08:00

What's with all these hoofy-looking shoe profiles lately? I keep seeing these really unattractive shoes that are supposed to look sexy, but from the side they look really clompy and unattractive. plus these make the foot appear to be huge...I thought women didn't want that.

Squwak!

2010-02-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

Is that a PARROT? I don't get how really horrible imagery from the 80's is chic, now.

2010-02-20T11:39:00.001-08:00

I totally don't get this weird shgladiatorboot - thing. Or is it a Glandaloot? It looks like an afterthought. Like one of those Crazy Fashion Girls decided to wrap a bunch of shit around her ankles in an attempt to be outre. Oh, wait, the word to use is EDGY, now.

Here's more of the hideous ankle-swathing, from Irregular Choice (and finding bad shoes from this company is like shooting fish in a barrel; anywhere your eye lands on that website is an exercise in restraint - try not to scream!) Hellllloooo? Is that a FEED BAG strapped to your leg? Are you feeding your foot like it's a horse? Easy, big fella:

Sometimes, it's just too easy

2008-04-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

I mean, really. Or, rather, REEEEAALLLLY. You may find it hard to believe, but I have a thing for furry boots - it's pretty 60's-era Cher-tastic, and Cher was fairly righteous back then. And I have no beef with the buckle. But somehow, it doesn't work.

Vrrrt.*

2007-05-28T04:16:00.000-07:00

That's my fart noise. Well, not MY fart noise, but when I'm trying to make a comedic, yet not grossly realistic reference to farting, that's the sound I make - with my mouth. It's pronounced "verrrt." Brevity and a barely-perceptible amount of lip-parting is essential in accuarate replication. Anywho:

Do I need to discuss the offense(s) here? Or will Sling Back Loafer be sufficient?

Sill looking for loafers

2007-05-28T04:06:00.000-07:00

Buy some black loafers: My mandate. I have been trying; once a week, I log onto Z's, and type in all permutations of "Women: Flats: Loafers: Black: 10. And every week, I am disappointed. But last week, I came across these, and I was all, "OMG, Kate Spade makes Dick Loafers for girls!" In a perky patent!

I'm at a loss

2007-05-28T03:58:00.000-07:00

It's bad enough that they exist:

But they come in a nice, springy white, too!

Gladiator-Sunday Schoool

Anthropologee-whiz

2007-04-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

I realize that picking on the Lifestyle and Fashion Supernova that is Anthropologie is sort of unfair - it's kind of like mocking Birkies. But Anthropologie has become more than just a brand; it's a look, and it says "lurk at me...I'm surrr eeeclectic." I hate the word eclectic, as people use it when they don't understand what's going on and they're just trying to either appear hip, or polite. But Anthropologie is a lifestyle brand-type store, or whatever the marketeers call it, and it makes me sad that people shop there because it's a LOOK they are being sold - an individual!/edgy/funky/trendy look, that a million OTHER people embrace. So much for individuality. But I must mention the moccasin boots - bad, right?

again, whaaaaaaat?

2007-04-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have to say that John Galliano is a fuckin' genius as far as the gowns in his couture collections are concerned, but the shoes? Erm, I don't know. The purpledurple ones here are so bad, and I see toes creeping out, threatening some overhang (I haven't touched on the subject yet of toe overhang on this blog, but yeah, I will some day.). That heel! It's horrible! So shapeless and clompy! Oy to the vey.

What the fuggidy?

2007-04-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I don't know what to say about these. I think, though, if I saw someone wearing them I'd probably shove them really hard, in a hematoma-causing way. And then I'd have to run really fast in order to not get an assault charge.

The Dick Loafer

2007-04-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite shoes to hate: The Dick Loafer. I have to say, without question, anyone I have ever encountered in a pair of shoes like this is a total dick - hence the name. Upper management guys on casual Fridays sometimes bust these out, and there is an even slightly more casual version in two-tone brown and black that you see on Saturday, worn with a printed polo shirt, tucked into peated khaki shorts, with a matching braided belt. Hideous. There is another version of this shoe that is a bit abbreviated in the toe, that makes the guy wearing them look even shorter and fatter than he actually is. And even though they are usually as expensive as hell, the woven leather is squeaky (a sign of a crap shoe, most certainly), so you can hear them coming. Which may be a good thing, so you can run away before That Guy From Accounting bludgeons you with some utterly unfunny comment about it being hump day.

...big fat and wiiiiide!

2007-04-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

I was bored, and I googled "ugly shoes" and got right to a page that has bad bridesmaid dresses. And there was a picture of these. I already hate these hiddy platform flipflops that are seemingly never going to go out of fashion, and then, someone had to crap them up with LACE?

Sorry to whoever I stole this picture from. I'm not trying to make money offya or anything.

Hey Ladies! The new Birkies For Spring Are Here!

2007-04-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, all Birkies are heiny (that's my new diminutivization of heinous), but these are two of the uglier shoes from the spring line. The description of the blue ones includes the word "flirty."
Since when are dirtyfuckinhippyfeet flirty?

Hey now, WHOOO! lookit that, did it nearly run you down?

2007-03-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, again, on today's shoe shopping extravaganza, I saw these and nearly had a coronary in Nordstrom. This 80's shit has GOT TO STOP. I mean, like, Simon and Nicky were, like, so hot, and they still are, considering all the coke they probably used to do, but shit, please MAKE IT STOP. MAKE THE 80's STOP. It's not making me feel alive alive alive, either. Just old. and mad.

And speaking of how the shiny shiny bad times need to get the fuck behind me,* yesterday, I saw a girl wearing these shiny shiny leggings from American Apparel. In a copper color. And no, her ass DID NOT look this good, either, not that having a good ass would forgive this hideosity as acceptable on ANY level; And it wasn't like the chick was overweight, it was just the whole fashion victimology of it all that annoyed me. People need to learn (again, as they obviously didn't learn from gym clothes in the 80's) that shiny does not hide your flaws - it merely draws the eye toward them, like how squirrels are with foil. Coating your cellulite or whatever in a tight, glistening, spandex wrapper FORCES people to look.

The chick in this picture is a model, and yes, she's got a great ass, and yes, the pants look good on her ONLY because she's got a great ass. But not everyone's ass looks this good, and, so, I'm gonna have to keep saying it: Just because you can BUY spandex doesn't mean you should WEAR it.

*Yeah, that IS a Hayzee Fantayzee reference. See, I went through the 80's already, and I don't want to do it again.

Please curb your dog

2007-03-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I saw these a while ago but couldn't remember the brand name; All I could remember was that they looked like there was a chance someone would walk up to you and go "uh, I think you stepped in something." And I think, but maybe I'm just making it up simply because I was so horrified by them at the time, that the heel/sole color used to be even MORE BROWN, and more pooey looking. If that's at all possible. But today, I was shoe shopping, again, looking for loafers, STILL and ran across these beauties, and went "oh, those are the shit shoes!" God, I hate shopping.

The 80's are back, and you better start lovin' it!

2007-03-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, a couple years ago, my friend Andrea (hey girrrl, was' up? You goin' out to the club tonight? Okay, text me!) and I were in the garment district in LA and we were totally horrified by the proliferation of neon-colored clothing. Because if it's in The Alley, it's gonna be on the ass of every trend-following shithead in the country in 6 mos to 3 years, depending on where that aforementioned shithead lives. ANY-way, we were seeing all this neon, pointy-toed, fishnet, flashdance-y crap, and Andrea, who is completely hilarious, starts singing "the 80's are back, and you'd better start lovin' it." And she was joking, but, yeah, they ARE back (and yeah, I know, for some time, now) and I've been over it since before it came back. You see, I had these shoes in the 80's, or at least a similar version. Look, down there, it's me, in 1988, wearing them, in a lovely white version, trying desperately to look like I was in the Ronettes or something: Look at that backcombed hair, the white leather jacket. And I thought I was cool. But, y'see, kids, the 80's were a bad, bad thing. And even though Andrea (that's her, sitting down, by the way. The other Mean Mod Girl in the picture is Corrine) says I'd better start lovin' it, I just can't. Even though I was embracing the 60's in the 80's, the 60's were at least kinda cool. The 80's were shit - do I need to start singing "Maneater" for you? And if people are embracing the 80's now, what's next? The motherfuckin' 90's? If some ironically iconic hipster designer turns out one of those solid patchwork jackets - one sleeve, black, one red, one lapel brown...you know - with a pair of stirrup pants, it's ALL OVER. Ima putta cap insomeonesass. Prolly minesezezezezzzz.

Put the toes away!

2007-03-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I know these aren't THAT bad - well, who'm I kidding - they wouldn't be here if there wasn't some fatal flaw - but this is a perfect example of combining trends THAT SHOULDN'T BE COMBINED! Okay, so the peep toe has been in, or is still in or whatever, but, Loafer + Heel + peeptoe? Hell to the no. Shit, I don't want to see most people's feet anyway, let alone their toes, which is why I despise open-toed anything.

Goes without saying....

2007-03-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I know, it's easy to pick on Birkenstocks, but NO NO NO NEVER NEVER NEVER!

Same with this years' Last Years' shoe that every idiot in America bought because they thought it would show how funky they are: Crocs.
Again, NO. I don't care. NO. BAD SHOE. NO.

Proud of that pedicure, are we?

2007-03-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe I hate these more than the Dick Loafers...I'm not sure. I find these to be completely obscene. And year after year, they keep coming back - why won't they die?